It has been a big year for movies. Some great films have come out. Surely, I wish I could have the privilege to share those with you, but that’s not what my job is today. I am here to bring you the worst of the worst. The worst tooth pulling, ass-to-mouthed, bird watching, alien invading, Adam Sandler’d movies of the year. Fuck, the things I go through for you readers.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (5.5/10) — Jerry Bruckheimer’s cash cow of a series got another sequel this summer and it was not as satisfying. On Stranger Tides was featured without two leads Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom who often balanced out Johnny Depp’s wild antics as Jack Sparrow. Without those two, we have a movie more dedicated to the exponentially growing annoyingness of Jack Sparrow. The only thing keeping this alive was the special effects when they had their moments. Otherwise it was very forgettable.
Straw Dogs (2011) (5/10) — This movie was a piece of shit. Straw Dogs is an example of a remake that didn’t really need to be remade. I haven’t seen the original, but I am sure it can’t be as shitty and awkward as this one was. It featured one of the most confusing flashback scenes involving one of the characters to cringe into a flashback of her rape every time a player on the football field got hit. While that was going on, we have some mentally handicapped apparently getting some from a hot cheerleader. It doesn’t make much sense, but it does provide a decent amount of gore at the end to keep it just barely out of my worst 10. You’re lucky.
New Year’s Eve (5/10) — New Year’s Eve wasn’t a good movie by most means. Its giant ensemble of a cast is sure to drag in some viewers. Even with how horrible it looks, it wasn’t as bad as it seems. Some parts were mildly enjoyable, but nothing to brag about. You’ve seen this all before. Most of my enjoyment came with how irrelevant Ludacris was. That’s about it.
Keep in mind, these are movies that I, myself have seen. I know there are other stinkers from this year, but I can’t put my opinion on something I didn’t see.
10. The Big Year (5/10)
Starting off the list is the movie about bird watching. Yes, fucking bird watching with Jack Black, Steve Martin and Owen Wilson traveling around the world. This movie pissed me off because it was brought up that one could cheat the trust-based competition and get away with it. When one person is suspected of cheating, they never touch up on it. Thus, bringing up the fact makes it rather pointless. Did I mention it was about fucking birds?
9. I Am Number Four (5/10)
This movie was good for one thing: Timothy Olyphant’s intense stare. For every scene, whether it was calm or chaotic, Olyphant kept this death stare on his face like he was about to murder someone. But with glowing hands and a lonely alien teenager, it’s hard to keep much interest in this cat and dog chase of a movie. Did I mention the bad guy aliens sniffed a lot of things? Yeah, they liked sniffing. The only justifiable part of the movie is the last scenes where producer Michael Bay gives his explosion fix for the Bay fans. Even that isn’t enough to bring this one back from the dead.
8. Hanna (5/10)
Hanna is a big fucking bore of a movie. Critics had said that this movie was enjoyable. Going in to it, I still wasn’t convinced. After leaving, I felt the same. What we got was just a girl who was trained to survive by Eric Bana just trying to be a normal person. Worst of all, she does turn in to a normal person! How fucking boring! If you’re going to taunt us with a badass girl who can kill people, show us a badass girl who can kill and not just socialize with people and develop feelings. And with any sort of action we have, it all cuts away before we get to see anything thanks to the PG-13 rating. Hanna was a waste of time and Eric Bana.
7. Martha Marcy May Marlene (4.5/10)
This movie was a big upset. It looked like it could have some potential. Going through it I felt cheated. It moved slowly and once it builds up enough that you think you’re going to get something big, it fucking ends. It’s one giant buzz kill that never satisfies the viewer. Sure, you get some decent performances out of John Hawkes and Elizabeth Olsen, but you never feel any sort of connection. Olsen’s random tantrums are never resolved, leaving the whole movie a giant fucking question. It gives you a way to open ended conclusion that is not worth the effort to try and think of what happened.
6. The Darkest Hour (4.5/10)
This was a shitty way to close the year out. An alien invasion movie taking place in Russia (which, before this movie, I thought was all black and white) with American tourists who meet up there; making the Russian setting near pointless. The dialogue is shitty and so is the CG for the aliens. It was a complete waste of a good actor, Emile Hirsch. Some parts are bad enough that it’s laughable and some parts are so bad it’s not even funny.
5. Abduction (4.5)
Taylor mother-fucking Lautner’s first lead role outside of the Twilight Saga proves the man tries too hard and still fails at acting. Abduction truly is a dumb movie that centers on a high school douchebag who has an unknown past. When he’s not being the center of a party or shirtless, he is running from secret agents who are trying to take him away. You sure have seen this before and that is why you can’t give this much credit. It really doesn’t help with Lautner’s non-acting who can only capture the emotion of thinking too hard. Maybe next time Taylor, maybe next time.
4. The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (4.5/10)
Tom Six’s second installment of his grotesque horror movies shows this man has no mercy for cinema. Six gives us an hour and a half of story-less human torture. I don’t mind the occasional torture movie, even when it’s as fucked up as The Human Centipede is, but at least give us a story to go with it instead of a slimy man who sandpaper-bates to the first movie.
3. Courageous (3.5/10)
Courageous was a shitty movie. Regardless of your faith, it was badly put together on strict unbending morals that are never questioned or contested. It was by the book of the bible and the story is so unbelievably cheesy and shitty. This film doesn’t challenge anything about faith. It is a constant reminder that God is out there and he will get you a job since you suck so much at doing it yourself. Whether you believe that or not, it shouldn’t matter. It’s a movie and it should entertain people. At least The Human Centipede had some attempted artistic merit.
2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2.5/10)
I don’t hate Breaking Dawn because of the sparkly emo-vampires. No, that’s childish. I simply don’t like it because it is awful filmmaking. This was the first Twilight movie I experienced and my first thoughts were: “This is just like a soap opera”. The bad acting, the cheesy sound effects, the horrible score; it was just a long soap opera. Everyone was either too melodramatic or apathetic. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really take the cake for not giving a shit anymore. Their performances were awful. On the other side of the spectrum we have Taylor mother-fucking Lautner who, again, tries too hard and comes up short. Breaking Dawn was bad on most levels, but at least we got to see Edward rip the vampire baby out of Bella’s womb.
1. Jack and Jill (-5/10)
Fuck you Adam Sandler.