Shark Night Review

You know what’s a good movie? Piranha 3D. I mean what wasn’t to love about that movie? It had tits, a cheesy and laughable story/cast, and tons of blood and gore. It was an enjoyable movie. A couple years later, we get Shark Night. Wouldn’t you know, it had relatively the same story; a pack of teens go to a lake to party and start getting picked off one by one. Hey, that’s similar! But why is Piranha such an awesome movie while Shark Night can suck my taint? Read my review, bitches!

Okay first is a little disclaimer: I unknowingly went to the one showing in the known universe of Shark Night 3D that wasn’t in fucking 3D. Still had the genuine title of Shark Night 3D, but the movie was minus the 3D. So I apologize ahead for not being able to provide you with the details on the one element that would most likely bump my overall rating up a half a point to a point.

So this movie starts off like any other teen “horror”: A piece of eye candy that you know is going to get fucked up by [insert killer]. Roll the opening credits and get to the shitty story. We get introduced to the main character, Nick (Dustin Milligan), who is a little bookwork college student who looks like a cross of Chris Evans and Jason Biggs. He more or less acts Biggs with his uptight and anal-retentive behavior. Nick’s annoying roommate, Gordon (Joel David Moore), is one of those annoying douche bags who plays Xbox all day and apparently still thinks Halo is cool.

Anyway, Nick’s friend, Malik (Sinqua Walls), comes in and pretty much says: “hey bro, let’s go to the lake this weekend!” He persuades him to go because of Nick’s love interest Sara (Sara Paxton). After that, we get introduced to the rest of the pointless cast as they pack up and head off to Sara’s beach house. Apparently she is loaded. No big deal. When they are in town, they run into an old acquaintance of Sara, Dennis (Chris Carmack) who has a scar going across his face. It’s not that bad, but he keeps bitching about it throughout. You can tell there’s something “fishy” about this guy.

The gang gets to the beach house and they all get ready to go out on the lake and party it up. Cue the music while things get pretty PG-13 when the girls take off their tops to change and you get a little bit of side boob action. They get out on the boat and drag their friend Malik on a wakeboard for your extreme sports fix.

As he’s pulling off some X-Games shit on the waves, a curious shark is creeping up behind him. Nothing is noticed until he starts biting at the board and then eventually Malik. He crashes on his board and eventually swims back to shore to reveal he is missing an arm. They all blamed it on Nick for driving the boat too fast, until he swam out to get his arm and saw the shark racing towards him.

From there, the movie starts going on as expected. More people get picked off as they idiotically keep going back into the water in their desperate attempts to try and save each other. Well, that, or the redneck villains who watch too much Discovery Channel push people into the water.

I didn’t like most of the characters in this movie. They never clicked with me. I didn’t like how much of douche bags some of them were when they laid down their cheesy attempts at flirting. Well, Mainly Joel David Moore‘s character. I can’t stand him when he thinks he is cool. He’s not. I really only liked him in Hatchet. But anyway, the main two characters, Sara and Nick, didn’t really do much. They were supposed to be the love interests, but barely had any sort of connection. She just told him a bad story and he says: “Oh, that sucks”. A few scenes later they’re making out. Fuck. The only characters I did enjoy where the two main villains, Dennis and Red, who just played your average backwoods Louisiana bayou rednecks (Well, maybe Red more than Dennis).

The acting was passable. It was nothing special, but as expected for this movie. There isn’t much good I can say about it, but I can’t say its complete shit.

Even though I dislike a lot of this movie, there are still some things I liked; mainly the sharks. They looked good. They fit well in the environment. They weren’t shittily animated like that of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (a modern day classic by the way). They looked good, and I’m sure seeing it in 3D would have its advantages.

Overall, as I have said before, this movie did a fantastic job at making itself a lesser version of Piranha 3D. They thought they could get by with some side boob, blood in the water, and a PG-13 rating, but I would say they didn’t. It wasn’t very good and I think only 13 year olds would like this, which I’m sure they will. Director David Ellis made a standard film that sticks out in no way, shape, or form. Just your average PG-13 wanna be horror film. Nothing more.

Shark Night – 6/10

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