New Year’s Eve Review

Garry Marshall is back again this year with another one of his star squashed holiday themed romantic comedy series of sub plots. Instead of Valentine’s Day, we get another day of the year where we see the hectic days of many characters and they kind of tie in with each other. I haven’t seen Valentine’s Day, but I’m sure it is just like New Year’s Eve.

I don’t want to drop any names, but I’m about to drop a lot of names. New Year’s Eve begins with Claire Morgan (Hillary Swank) who is basically THE GUY (Or girl, I guess) who sets up Time’s Square’s New Year’s Eve festivities. She is in charge of making sure The Ball is working and setting up all the performers. It’s a stressful day for her.

Meanwhile, we have Ingrid (Michelle Pfeiffer) who is a timid lady who has to work on NYE at some record company. Ingrid doesn’t like her job, but she is too scared to say anything. That is until Paul (Zac Efron) walks in. Paul is a courier who delivers random goods to people all around NYC. After being persuaded to help her with tickets to a lavish douche bag party, Paul agrees to help Ingrid reasonably take on her resolution’s list.

While that is going on, we have a mother daughter conflict between Kim (Seabiscuit, I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker) and Hailey (Abigail Breslin). Hailey wants to go see the ball drop, but her mother will have no such thing. SJP does a good job preforming the city version of Sheltering Suburban Mother.

Meanwhile, Laura (Katherine Heigl) is hired to cater for that douche bag party I mentioned and she runs in to her ex-boyfriend, famous rocker Jenson (Jon Bon Jovi). There is some drama there.

MEANWHILE, we have Griffin (Seth Meyers) and Tess (Jessica Beil) in competition to have the first baby born in the New Year to win $25,000.

MEAN-FUCKING-WHILE, Ashton Kutcher plays a recluse art school dropout who is so hipster he hates New Year’s Eve because everyone else loves it. He gets stuck in an elevator for 8 hours with Elise (Lea Michele) who looks a lot like Rebecca Black.

MEEEEEAAAAAAAANNNNNWHHIIIIILLLLLEEE, Robert De Niro plays a lonely old cancer patient that no one comes to visit and all he wants to do is watch The Ball drop one more time before he inevitably passes.

Now that I have explained 2% of the pointless sub plots, let me list of others that I didn’t feel like dropping a whole paragraph on: Halle Berry, Josh Duhmel, Hector Elizondo, Til Schweiger, and Sofia Vergara.

Oh yeah, and Chris “Ludacris” Bridges was there for some reason that I have not figured out yet.

So with this giant army of notable people, you get one flat-fallen movie that has way too many sub-plots and barely even ties together. It’s hard to get into something when you keep jumping around every minute. Focus on one main plot and have a couple other ones thrown in, not 700 plots that don’t even fit with each other.

If you want to talk about the acting, there’s not much that sticks out her, other than Ludacris‘ boredom in his maybe 10 minutes of screen time. I thought that was more entertaining than the rest of the movie. I do find myself more annoyed with SJP every time I see her. Something about her voice and face that makes me twitch. Zac Efron plays an annoying douche bag. I’m not sure if he was trying to be that douchey, but damn was he douchey.

Overall, I would say this movie doesn’t accomplish much except that everybody miraculously made it to midnight without spontaneously dying. I kind of wished that would have happened. It would have made this movie a hell of a lot better. Nonetheless, most people who walk in to this movie knowing what it is will most likely get what they expected. I knew what I was going to get, and I was neither pleased nor disappointed.

I almost forgot, Common was in it for 30 seconds, too. Sorry.

New Year’s Eve – 5/10

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