Abduction Review

Abduction is awful. We have seen this movie before, just with different people. You know the story; average high school kid finds out something he shouldn’t, then he gets in a bunch of trouble and the whole fucking government is after him for whatever reason. It seems like something you’d see that guy from Even Stevens in (what’s his name again?). It is pretty much another way to put this man-ape of a guy named Taylor Lautner on screen to get the bro’s testosterone pumping and the girls riled up. I’m not saying he doesn’t fit the role in which he is playing, but damn, it’s funny watching him try to think.

This fucking movie starts out with some shitty asshole rock music playing while Nathan (Taylor Lautner) and his friends are driving to a big wild party. He has to arrive in style, so on the way there, Nathan rides on the hood of the truck, to prove his manliness, of course. It cuts to them at the party while they are all getting drunk. Nathan’s neighbor, Karen (Lily Collins), walks by with her college tool of a boyfriend, Billy. There is some bro conflict between Nathan and Billy that easily resides after Karen whispers something in her man’s ear. The party moves on and the next scene is Nathan waking up in the front yard without a shirt. Is it like in his contract that he must be shirtless for at least 3 scenes in every movie?

Anyway, his dad pulls up pissed off and brings him home. After that, they are in their backyard with boxing equipment on. It begins with some practicing shots and it leads to them punching and kicking the shit out of each other. Nathan, being the alpha male, seemed to win the fight, even though his mom came to break it up after watching 3/4 of the fight saying: “Oh you guys…” and then they eat dinner. Later that night, Nathan sees Karen yelling at her boyfriend as he pretty much says: “I’m a college guy, I don’t need this shit” as if being in college exempts you from being a douche.

The next day, Karen and Nathan are assigned a class project in which they have to research missing people. They get together and start researching. In the process, they find a website with pictures of missing people and enhanced photos of what they may look like now. They stumble upon a picture that they think looks like Nathan, even though it looks nothing like him. He finds the shirt he is wearing in the picture and busted his doubts.

After that, the movie picks up as people bust in and kills the people who aren’t actually his parents and blow up the house. Nathan and Karen escape and start running. First they go to the hospital to heal up a scratch on Karen’s arm. In the process, the people after them find out where they are and start chasing them. All of a sudden, Nathan’s therapist (Sigourney Weaver) shows up with a bunch of balloons and says: “I’m not a therapist. Let’s go”. They escape the hospital, only to be caught on the camera in the parking as they were getting in the car. Weaver explains what is going on and that makes Nathan determined to find out who he is.

The rest of the movie plays out as Nathan and Karen run from the people trying to kill them and the CIA trying to help them. It’s just too damn cliche and predictable with how they do it. The whole thing seems like a mess that not even Lautner’s washboard abs can clean.

The acting was pretty shitty. I blame Taylor Lautner. He only has one facial expression throughout the movie, and it’s not even an entertaining one. It’s just the same face he uses when he tries to think. When he looks at something simple, it looks like he is deriving equations and doing logarithms. He cannot carry the film at all. Not even Sigourney Weaver can bump this up at all, and I like her. Lily Collins character is pretty much useless. She does nothing for the story. Her main role is just so Lautner has someone to talk to so we don’t just watch him think for an hour and a half.

There was nothing there to make this interesting. Some parts of the plot were just left untouched, while they for some reason focused on a relationship that had nothing to do with the initial story. Apparently this was all for some encrypted code on a cell phone that I still have no idea what it was. They didn’t really explain that. Bad, John Singleton, bad!

Thinking back to the movie now, it just makes me pissed off. To me, it seemed like a teen version of the Bourne movies, but less kick ass. It was just 100 minutes of fucking Taylor Lautner hardly beating people up, then running away. It wasn’t even tied together with an enjoyable story. I really only liked Sigourney Weaver, and she was only in it for about two or three scenes. It’s movies like this that make me question my existence. Fuck it all.

Abduction – 4.5/10

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