Spring Movie Guide: March 2013 – Week 1

Jack th

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With a few exceptions (like The Cabin in the Woods), movies that get pushed far back from their original release dates are turds (like the Red Dawn remake, and we’ll see later this year if GI Joe: Retaliation qualifies), especially when they don’t test well with audiences.  Sometimes, the film is too smart for dumb audiences, and other times, films are too dumb for dumb audiences.  This seems like it was part of the latter group, and since Bryan Singer has really only made one actually good film (X-Men 2 was entertaining, and the best of the first four X-Men movies, but it wasn’t a great movie) and a bunch of mediocre to worse films, it wasn’t that surprising to me that Jack the Giant Slayer looked like horse shit when we first saw the trailers a long time ago.  However, I guess they found a way to make it not completely inane, as a few people have seemed to enjoy it for what it is, a big, mindless movie with lots of expensive, shitty CGI. I have a 9 year old dying to see it, but I imagine older audiences will have trouble bringing themselves to pay for it.  Jeremy saw the film earlier in the week, see the reasons he didn’t hate it in his review.

21 & Over

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Speaking of big, dumb movies that are still somehow entertaining, Jon Lucas and Scott Moore decided to use the goodwill they earned by writing The Hangover movies (and the half a billion dollars they earned at the box office) to move into directing with 21  Over, the latest R-rated comedy to hit theaters in the wake of their previous success.  This type of movie caters to a very specific audience (the kind that actually paid to see Project X in theaters, especially those that didn’t hate themselves afterwards) so you’ll know if it’s for you after seeing the trailer.  It’s the type of movie I’ll see one day when I’ve had a few beers, but I’m not rushing to see it.  Jeremy said pretty much the same thing in his review of the movie.

The Last Exorcism Part II

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If you hated actual horror movies enough to see The Last Exorcsim in theaters seemingly a few months ago, surely you hate quality enough to see this piece of trash, and pour more money into the coffers of filmmakers that clearly hate you, and the rest of the world at large.  So keep on keepin’ on, I’ll quietly wait for you to walk on by.  Thanks.  For walking by, not for participating in this garbage heap of a movie.

Phantom

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I’ve seen literally no advertising for this film, but I like both the leads to varying degrees (i.e. when they actually seem to care).  It’s from the guy that made White Squall, which is fitting, because the trailer and the poster make me think this movie has been sitting on a shelf since 1995.  It just looks like a strange product from the middle-90’s where we all nodded our heads and said “Submarine?  World War 3?  Sure, why not?”  RCR is distributing, on over 2,000 screens no less, but I doubt they’ll be doing much of that when this movie starts leaking and sinks to the bottom.  No advertising will do that to a film.  Still, it will be good Starz fodder at 3 a.m. in 9 months.

IN LIMITED RELEASE

Stoker

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More on this next week when it expands, and Jeremy will have a review, but this will just serve as a reminder that Park Chan-Wook‘s American debut is out this weekend, even if it’s only on 10 screens.  I’m loving every review I read, even if they all mention the stiffness of Nicole Kidman‘s heavily plasticized face.  That’s to be expected when you are 90% robot.  Still, Matthew Goode is 200% great actor, so I feel like that evens the playing field.  

The Sweeney

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This one is also in super-limited release, and is supposed to expand, it’s been out in the UK for a while I guess, as it’s based on a famous show from the 70’s over there.  I’m interested because Ray Winstone is always enjoyable as a hard ass, and every film I’ve seen from Nick Love I’ve liked quite a lot (not getting that pun from me).  He’s kind of like Guy Ritchie if he were obsessed with football (that’s soccer, mate) and not Sherlock Holmes.  I’m interested, especially because Damian Lewis (from Homeland) is in it.  I’ll have a review up once my DVD gets here from the UK.  I shall not be thwarted by DVD regions.

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