Scary Movie 5 Review

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The Scary Movie franchise was pretty good at the start. It’s actually what helped lift Anna Faris’ career to what she has now. Even when the Wayans dropped out, Faris stuck with the Scary Movie franchise all the way though the fourth, which was fairly awful itself. After that, she decided to call it quits with the franchise and move on to less embarrassing roles. When you lose the one constant throughout a series, it can’t be good.

Boy , did Anna make a good decision there. Scary Movie 5 tries to bring back actors that can’t drive a movie and give them the keys. Needless to say, it was a car wreck.

For starters, they brought back Charlie Sheen. He died in the 4th one didn’t he? Oh well, we’ll just forget about that and have him as himself because that was popular 2 years ago #WINNING.

Anyway, Charlie joins Linday Lohan in the opening scene where the two try to hit it off in the bed. The scene rips off Paranormal Activity’s bedroom scenes, but only more absurd. Sheen and Lohan are marketed almost as stars of this flick, but it couldn’t be more wrong. Their screen time was literally 5 minutes.

Sheen and Lohan ended up getting attacked by some paranormal blah blah blah, and here sets up the “story” of Sheens kids being left behind. The kids are going to his brother, Dan (Simon Rex). Wait, what? Wasn’t he his brother George in Scary Movie 3? Yes he was, and now he’s fucking Dan because fuck the act of making any sense.

Dan takes in the kids with his wife Jody (Ashley Tisdale). The kids aren’t very fond of her and she isn’t fond of them. From my understanding the base of the movie is going off of Mama, with a mix of Paranormal garbage.

I don’t think I need to explain much more because there isn’t much else to explain. The kids are always talking about “mama” as she fucks shit up around the house. So they deal with the problems and eventually try and solve it. Everything else in between is garbage.

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Scary Movie 5 rips on some recent scary movies like Mama, Evil Dead, Paranormal Activity, The Cabin in The Woods, along with other movies that aren’t even horror, like Inception, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan, and others.

None of it makes any sense, nor do they bother to try and make sense of it. Why bother? They’re going to make money from grubby, sweaty teenagers who find this shit hilarious. All the fart, poop, nut shot, head shot, and sexual humor any 14 year old will be quoting for the next two weeks. It’s a cesspool of crudeness.

I can’t say I blame them though. They know their market. The kids who weren’t old enough or clever enough to sneak in to A Haunted House (which pretty much covered most of the bases of this movie) will enjoy the less urban PG-13 version of that.

Scary Movie 5 isn’t worth your time unless you are a 14 year old kid who finds it funny. Hey, no shame in that. I thought The Pest was a good movie when I was young; boy was I fucking wrong. What I’m saying is the creators of this movie know their market and they know it well. Maturity is at an all time low and if it has testicles, you know it’s going to be hitting them.

Scary Movie 5 – 2/10

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