Fuck You: Shia LaBeouf

It’s that time again, where I take a peek at a rising actor/actress and give them a big fuck you! Who’s on my radar for this edition, none other than Mr. Shia LaBeouf. Shia got his start in the Disney series Even Stevens and slowly started to work his way into film, playing smaller roles in films like Constantine and I, Robot. It wasn’t until he starred in the sleeper hit Disturbia that anyone gave a fuck about him. Disturbia was a PG13 horror flick that managed to click with the teens for some reason and it resulted in a pretty successful career for Mr. LaBeouf, by successful I mean moneymaking not good filmmaking.

Shia has potential to be a really powerful star, just look at Leonardo DiCaprio, he got his start as a youngster who came out of nowhere, picking his projects very wisely, but it looks like Shia is just in it for the quick bucks and a direct link to complain to the world. He’s such a cocky and arrogant asshole and it really sickens me to see him waste his talent. Make no mistake, the kid is talented, but he acts like he is the second coming of Christ! If he keeps it up, no one will give a damn about him and he will just fall off the face of the Earth, wasting all that potential! LaBeouf, it’s time to get your career back on track!

Fuck You: Shia LaBeouf.

Look at her sparkle.

Exhibit 1: Transformers Trilogy

Okay, the first film was light, fun and just a popcorn flick that came out of nowhere. Not many were expecting much, but for some reason that damn Michael Bay knows how to shoot action. The story was funny, mainly due to the chemistry between Shia’s young little dickhead of a character and his parents, but it worked. To this day I still enjoy the hell out of Transformers and I honestly think it’s a good film. It had a lot of action, some fun character moments and a decent story that worked well enough.

Then Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen came out and proved it to be a fluke. Bay managed to take a step back as a director and Shia wasn’t doing any help. This time he plays the bitchy little character that just wants a regular life instead of doing small and stupid stuff like saving the world with giant robots! What was funny in the first film comes off as stupid and mildly offensive in the second. Everything that worked has been stripped down to a complete gag of a film. The action is still cool, but it’s boring when we have to sit through 2 hours of garbage to get to it.

Did I forget to mention Transformers: Dark of the Moon? The third outing was supposed to correct everything wrong with the second. Bay promised us that the writers’ strike was to blame and they got their shit on straight for this one, but oh how they were horribly wrong. Shia manages to elevate his douchey character to a completely new level of douchechode. Now Shia is literally spending most of the lengthy running time straight up crying about the situations at hand. I can’t get a job, I saved the world and no one likes me, blah blah blah. Talk about an ungrateful little bitch. What makes it even unbelievably fake is that fact that he has this hot, supermodel girlfriend that for some reason unknown to man puts up with his shit. Unlike the first few films, where Megan Fox‘s character lived through these life changing events, his new girlfriend just sort of met him in passing at the White House. She decides to take him in, feed him, cloth him, give him enormous amounts of lunch money for no good reason. Sure, she thinks he’s cute, but with that hefty price tag I’d suggest she kick his ass to the side of the road and pick me up, but I’m pretty sure giant robots from outer space would be a more realistic future than a supermodel picking me up!

Shia LaBeouf managed to play a funny little nerd of a character in the first Transformers that transformed into a complete idiot of a person by the third film. It’s almost like Transformers was never about giant robots battling it out, but more about Shia LaBeouf battling his real life vs. his character in the films. He transforms to his real self by the third film and it’s quite sad.

Verdict: Fail

Trick question, which one contains cancer?

Exhibit 2: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

A perfect role for Shia to pick up after starring in the shitty Transformers films. I mean why not try your hand at some serious Wall Street money trading. Look at the pluses here, you get to work with legendary actor Michael Douglas and you get to be directed by the hit or miss Oliver Stone. And to top it off you get to star in a sequel that nobody asked for, but everyone apparently secretly wanted. Stock trading, dirty money and ripping off little companies all makes for an interesting movie right? The first film worked so well mainly because of the time it was released in. Trying to recreate that success was completely unnecessary but obvious at this point. Everyone and their mothers were getting remakes and sequels so Wall Street seemed like the right thing to do in director Oliver Stone‘s mind, plus America has been having shitty luck with finances lately, so why not film a market crash and make us all feel better? The film’s problems were mainly with how they handled Michael Douglas‘s character, Gordon Gekko. Gekko was always a cutthroat power hungry man that was obsessed with greed and for some reason they decided to give him a heart in the sequel, which wasn’t needed and really kind of against the whole first film. It felt like a simple cash grab that was bloated and pointless, but one thing good came out of that film and that was Shia LaBeouf. I almost thought he forgot how to act until I saw Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. He played the young kid perfectly, both learning and living.

Verdict: Pass

One of these two doesn't belong.

Exhibit 3: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Shia, you will never be able to carry a series like Indiana Jones, so please get that idea out of your head. The whole character of Mutt was honestly insulting and just pathetic. For Spielberg to even think we would want any other big hero besides Indy is just ludicrous. We paid to see a fourth Indiana Jones film because we wanted to see Harrison Ford grab the whip one more time and have an old fashioned adventure, not because we wanted to see him run around a bunch of green screens and eventually try passing the torch to a young kid who has no redeemable traits. Mutt didn’t fit in at all and I think Shia is partially to blame. Usually this type of character is full of himself and generally cocky, but still has something that keeps us rooting for him, but Shia didn’t have that last charm. Mutt is a child who is generally just a pain to be around and not once did I feel like he was growing on me. He felt more like a cancer! On a more random note, did anyone think Mutt kind of felt like a 1950’s version of Sam from Transformers? Everything was the same, minus the A & E clothing!

Verdict: Fail

Possible career change for Shia?

The next few films are going to be very important for Shia LaBeouf. He’s claimed that he is done with the Transformers series, which has been his milking cow for the past few years, so now he really is out in the wild. I’m curious to see if he will pick some challenging projects with good directors or if he will just keep on the big blockbuster path and stick with whatever pays the most. Shia LaBeouf needs to distant himself from the human ATM machine known as Michael Bay.

I want Shia to do well, but it’s all up to him right now! In five years we could be praising him as one of the best young actors or we could completely forget his name!

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