I was originally going to title this new column, Why You Should Quit Hollywood and Become a Teacher for the Blind, but that didn’t make much sense.
But then I thought to myself, why not sum it up? What is the point I am trying to get across? And then it hit me like a kick in the nuts! This new column is pretty much a way for me to say, “Fuck you”. Fuck you to the actor or actress that hasn’t managed to do shit with their career in Hollywood, yet they keep getting roles in big movies. Yeah, I know this has happened for ever and will happen forever, but I think it will serve its purpose in the long run. Maybe after reading one of my posts you’ll decide not to waste your money on the latest film by said actor or actress or maybe after reading one of my posts you’ll realize when you see this name attached to a project you shouldn’t be excited, if anything you should be worried. Worried that this person might fuck up an otherwise decent project or worried that this person might make money off said project which allows for them to go onto bigger and “better” things.
Fuck You: Olivia Wilde.
I’ve never had a huge problem with Olivia Wilde as an actress until recently. I remember seeing her briefly in Alpha Dog back in 2006 and I really didn’t think much of her. She did fine in that film, mainly because she didn’t matter. Then House M.D. came around and she started to get some traction. I’ll have it noted that I don’t watch much TV and what I do watch doesn’t consist of House. I’ve seen her briefly on the show while flicking through the channels, but I can’t comment on her performance there. My gripe with her is in film, more recent films to be exact. I don’t want these rants to come off as complete bashing, but maybe they can act as a wakeup call. You’ve struck out too many times and now it’s time for a fix or fuck off.
Exhibit 1: TRON: Legacy
TRON: Legacy sucked, but Olivia Wilde didn’t help. Her character of Quorra felt pointless and unneeded. Sure, she played some sort of new species or life form or whatever that could change the way everything works, yet she felt like the least important character. The film was just flashy lights and an excuse for Disney to spend a few hundred million dollars, but it was fun at the IMAX. Olivia Wilde felt like her sole purpose in the film was to take up oxygen. No doubt Disney needed some eye candy for the fan boys to stare it and she sported the tight leather outfit very well, but I like some brains on my ladies. Okay, I’d even take a lady without a brain as long as she serves some sort of purpose. Have her fall in love with the main character, which they tried doing, but it honestly felt paper thin or help save a boring film by adding comedy or something into it, but don’t have her sit around on couches all day while the big boys talk. Then, when it’s time for her to nut up or shut up (lol) make her do something! When the action picks up and Wilde’s character is supposed to do something, she gets her arm cut off and spends the next chunk of the film laying there or mumbling to Garrett Hedlund‘s character about wanting to see the sun. I honestly think you could have taken out her character all together and had the same film or even replace her with an actress that can do something with her role, like Emily Blunt or something. Shitty movies have been considered less shitty because of the main actress or actor really bringing their bag of tricks and Wilde didn’t even bring her purse to TRON: Legacy.
Exhibit 2: The Next Three Days
Okay, this one is actually a plus in her book. Something she could actually learn from. The Next Three Days isn’t anything groundbreaking, but it works well because of the simple plot and the solid performance by leading man Russell Crowe. Olivia plays Nicole, the mom who Crowe always sees at the park while he’s hanging with his son, right before he breaks his wife out of prison. Nicole is just a lonely mom that wants a Crowe in her life and unfortunately for her Emily Banks has this Crowe on lock down. Nicole doesn’t do much as a character, but she makes for a great excuse when it comes to storing your son before you break your wife out of prison. I don’t fully blame Wilde for this one because she really had nothing to work with.
Verdict: Pass (barely)
Exhibit 3: Cowboys & Aliens.
This time around we got Wilde heading back to the west alongside Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. It’s really hard to discuss her exact character in this one without spoiling several factors, so I’ll tread lightly. Ella Swenson is a shady character that can be described as a stalker for the first half of Cowboys & Aliens. She does nothing but tell Daniel Craig‘s character, Jake, that she can help him discover his past if he helps her. Jake is very straight forward in kindly telling Ella to get fucked, but like any woman who doesn’t get her way, she keeps coming back again and again. Eventually we learn the true nature of her boring character and shit hits the fan. I actually was enjoying Cowboys & Aliens for the most part and then a scene comes along when Ella is swooped up into an alien flying machine. I jumped for joy in my seat, hoping that was the last time ol’ Ella would be appearing in the film, but stupid James Bond, I mean Daniel Craig has to go and save her. Shortly after that, her character is truly revealed and I couldn’t have felt more upset, mostly because it was so damn obvious and also because it just felt disappointing. You have a movie with Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford and you bet your marbles on Olivia Wilde? Why would you give her an “important” role in the film when Wilde is constantly staring off in the distance and doing nothing with the lines she’s given? Again, I’d back up Wilde and say that Cowboys & Aliens was no masterpiece, but she could have easily done more with her role. Possibly try and engage the audience?
Well, that’s two fails and one pass, which I must say was barely a pass. Olivia Wilde is in shallow water right now and her next few films are going to be the deciding factor. Is she a keeper or just another Hollywood bimbo? I’d hope for the first but wouldn’t be surprised it was the later.