An Open Letter To Gojira Re: L’enfant Sauvage

 

So after picking up Gojira‘s newest behemoth of a record I couldn’t bring myself to review it.  The words just weren’t coming and honestly I was so blown away by it that all I could think to do was write a letter.  I’ve never done this before, so bare with me, but my frustrations just wouldn’t stay inside any longer.

So, without further adieu, here’s my open letter to Gojira:

Dear Gojira,

Hi.  Wow I can’t believe I’m writing this.  I guess I should start by saying that I’m a pretty big fan.  I mean, I could say I’m a HUGE fan or your #1!!!! fan, but that would be a lie, I’m not a stalker or anything.  Really.  But I love your music.  You’re great.  

So I picked up L’Enfant Sauvage recently and I have some bones to pick with you.  First off, how dare you make an album so goddamn ethereal and catastrophic.  I’m actually debating on whether or not to file charges considering the album fucked my face so hard, specifically the song “Explosia”, that it still hurts to smile.  There’s also the matter of damages considering the money I’ve spent on a therapist, whom I no longer need thanks to “The Gift Of Guilt” and “The Fall”.  You should really advertise that: “This album is motherfucking therapeutic”!

Also, I’m pretty sure you’ve broken my iPod, which now absolutely refuses to play anything else.  Nothing.  I’ve tried, but every time it just reverts back to your Arrogant Bastard of an album (You see that?  I’ve likened your album in a negative way to one of my favorite beers!  Do you see what you are making me do?) 

You’ve ruined music for me.  I want you to know that.  I can’t listen to anything else the same way I did before I heard you.  For this I hate you.*

Oh, and there’s the teeny tiny issue of my physical health I’m dealing with.  The medical bills for my severe neck pains and whiplash are getting out of control.  I’ve been to the doctor three times in the past week and he’s pretty sure I’m about to slip a disc in my neck.  Do you realize this album is nearly paralyzing me?!  I can’t afford this shit.  

And thanks Mario, for once again making me and every other drummer on the planet feel inferior.  That paradiddle thing you’re doing in “Liquid Fire”, WHAT THE FUCK?!  Are you even human?  I’m betting you were created by James Cameron (circa 1992) to destroy the world (and maybe you could kill him while you’re at it, the world really doesn’t need any more fucking Avatar).

My family is worried sick about me; they’ve never seen me like this.  I twitch when the album’s not playing.  Every morning I wake up in pain until I can get my fix.  It’s disgusting.  I think I need an intervention.  

I just don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this.  I recycle.  I am a fan of whales and Mother Earth.  I try and live an eco-friendly lifestyle.  I mean, I think I may have thrown a beer can or two in the trash recently, and I drive a Jeep, but I’m only human you know.  I’m not a monster.  

So this is my farewell.  For the sake of my health and sanity, I must leave you.  I want you to know this isn’t easy for me, and the withdrawals will be excruciating, I can tell you that.  But I’m not up for this.  No one should be legally allowed to release an album of this caliber.  Maybe the French are more equipped to deal with this level of awesomeness, but not me.  No sir.  Can’t do it.  

With love and whale kisses, 

David

*I’m sorry.  I didn’t really mean that.  I let my emotions get the best of me.  You know I will always love you.  

L’Enfant Sauvage – Motherfucking 10 out of Motherfucking 10.

Track Listing:
1. Explosia
2. L’Enfant Sauvage
3. The Axe
4. Liquid Fire
5. The Wild Healer
6. Planned Obsolescence
7. Mouth Of Kala
8. The Gift Of Guilt
9. Pain Is A Master
10. Born In Winter
11. The Fall
12. This Emptiness*
13. My Last Creation*

*Bonus Tracks

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